FUCKED UP
le 22 avril 2008
12:55 / Marikina, Philippines
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I don’t know but I’m feeling quite uneasy lately. I just hate it when you’re having the time of your life and in a snap you’re back in Marianas.
When would this stop?
A couple of hours ago, when I was so busy working, I literally jumped out of my seat when I saw him send that notorious message “Zup?”. I can’t count how many times I have seen this message from him. I mean, come one, for the record, that was the first ever things that he sent to me using his cellphone. Please stop it. I’m trying to fix a new life WITHOUT you, because apparently, you can see yourself with me, right?
There goes your space and time and whatever fuck-offs you may wanted to have. Why are you like that? Maybe no one’s feeding your fat ego now, and you know that this sucker is just suckingly waiting for you to come along again. Fuck off! I love you still, I know but fuck off!!!
I built my world around you, but obviously, you did not feel the same way. I tried to understand you, just give in to your every whim. I lost myself, but I did not care. Have you heard anything from me? Not even a single thing. Look at me, screaming my ass out in this fucking blog, hoping that someday you might read this.
But hey, that is wishful thinking again as you’re so thick to string two words together. I don’t hate you!!! I just hated myself why I turned out to be this forgiving and loving person. I can always be the bitch everybody knows!!! But then YOU happened!!! How dare you steal everything away from me! How dare you!!!
Look, three months have passed, but I’m still in this state. Kudos to me I can think clearly now, but I just can’t understand why I’m still fucked up!!!
I deserve someone better. Yes, but then again, what if that better person does not deserve me??? What if this new guy is more than what I am?!?! Hey I’m just FUCKED-UP BRY!!!
What chance do I stand to a perfectly handsome guy, well accepted (as well) by his family and is… let’s see… AN HEIR TO A CHAIN OF RESTOS IN SOUTHEAST ASIA???
Come on. Even before this thing progresses, it HAS to stop. I’ve had enough of sweet talking, planning things because I know eventually, people like YOU are going to leave me.
I’m doomed!!! I should look at myself and the mirror and see how hideous and fucked up and shitty I am.
I just don’t want to be hurt again, not by you, not by this new person, not by anyone else…
I just want to be with myself again…
Please let me…
xoxo
Bry Dee
About
Bry - 23 y/o Marikina, Philippines
- took up Euro Languages from that school in Diliman (French major, Italian minor)
- works as a research analyst (language specialist-French)
- daltonien ( I see colors okay but just don’t make me name them)
- ne peut pas prononcer bien la lettre “r”
- terribly afraid of snakes
- loves NatGeo a lot
- has the most DRASTIC MOOD SWINGS in las islas Filipinas, fluctuates like hell
- enjoys conceptualizing/takings videos and photos… I love very visual stuff
- executed some of them
- interested to study fashion and would love to really make serious stride for it
- ogles at authentic designer bags lately
- stupid, hopeless romantic
- arrogant and proud (and I hate being like this)
- but very vulnerable during the troughs
- nowhere near perfect
- certain disregard for the word signifying future tense in English
- ka-weirdohan
… I created this to keep track of all my thoughts (even the most trivial) because I want to make sure on something. I’m gonna try my best to be as honest as possible in writing and I’ll restrain myself from mentioning names. This is the only online account I manage because I’ve already neglected my other accounts in other platforms to start anew (supposedly). Bear with my babbling and bitching and all that since I’m trying to make sense out of what I’m feeling and thinking… Staying true maybe is the key
I hope they would make sense… finally…
I don’t know if anyone out there who knows me would be reading things written here… not that I don’t care but I can’t stop you. The fact that I chose to have them capable of being viewed publicly might speak aloud of my intentions, but not saying it is not confirming it. Je veux avoir la paix.
xoxo
Bry Dee
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