MISSING U.P. BIG TIME

le 28 juin 2008

23:24 / Marikina, Philippines

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Look at me, blogging again! HAHAHA

Well, I’ve just finished watching Jessica Soho’s segment about UP. And Gosh.. I really miss my beloved university. In the introduction of the segment, she goes on by explaining how influential and important the University of the Philippines is, having produced the most number of National Artists, Supreme Court Chief Justices and 7 out of the 14 Philippine presidents went to UP. (Oh well, Gloria… I think took her undergrad elsewhere but took up Masters in whatever in the School of Economics hahaha)

I loved the way Jessica presented this UP piece. It felt more relatable than the I-Witness episode done by Howie Severino. Maybe because it’s due to the fact that I’m already an alumnus and Jessica’s episode is more of the point of view of those who have already left UP. Howie’s, on the other hand, is from the point of view of freshmen during their first weeks in UP.

Jessica showed where she used to stay before in UP (Yakal Residence Hall) and even reminisced the orientation of her bed in the room. She even remarked that the wooden furniture in the TV area seems to be unchanged over the years. Same thing goes for the classroom she visited in AS.

I miss UP as well. I have only graduated last April 2007 but there’s still this “I miss UP” factor. I just can’t imagine the feeling of those who graduated DECADES before me; more nostalgic on their part perhaps.

I LVOE THE UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES!!!

This is where the most pivotal things of my life happened; from the ups to the downs, UP is my home. This is the first place I came home after that wretched breakup. This is where I met the most beloved and driven group of people, the UP Pep Squad. This is where I’ve learned many things literally outside the four corners of a classroom. UP is synonymous to academic freedom. I really believe that at the end of the day, everyone else would stop and look at that solitary man on the top of a pile of rocks, with his arms outstretched looking up to the heavens.

UP is LVOE.

By the way, here’s my infamous pic with Oble. Whoever said that it should be done standing straight must be deluded. HAHAHA

xoxo

Bry Dee

AFTER 48 YEARS!!!

le 28 juin 2008

16:05 / Marikina, Philippines

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After 48 years, I’m finally able to write something in my blog. The past weeks had been very “tiring” but I don’t know… maybe it was just a state of mind.

Anyway, over the past few days, there was a sudden twist of fate regarding what I should be doing and what I’ll be doing in the future. I’m still gonna continue my Masters in International Studies
(and hopefully, I’ll be admitted in the program) but since admission is open only during the first semester (application usually ends on the 2nd week of March), I decided to enroll as a non-degree student this second semester and take PolSci units. This is in preparation for the program proper because I don’t want to just jump into the water without any life vest. And hopefully, I should be able to finish the program in six semesters at least.

I have lots of talks with Nins and Monette lately regarding the importance of a graduate degree, the the importance of saving, value of money, what the economy would be facing for the years to come and still how to have fun.

Good thing I have at least planned out my graduate studies plan. This is really important as this can increase my market value in the future and no one should rest in studying. There are still LOTS of things to learn and we should not be easily satiated by an undergraduate degree.

Regarding the value of money, Monette and I were discussing about an article she read in Libre!, which came in time when we were(and still are) very much pensive over saving up. It was recommended to list all of your daily expenses and see where your money goes. I’m on my second day now in listing them. This is real-good practice. Good thing my cellphone has an Excel function and I’m able to record in real-time any amount I shelled out. I’m more conscious of how much I’ve spent. As a matter of fact, I shook off the idea of going elsewhere (e.g. shopping) after my dental appointment earlier. So I just headed home right away and now writing in my blog. I was thinking a bit that I should save money.

And speaking of saving, I have now also started saving. Yes, S-A-V-I-N-G. When I had my 2nd-payroll for June last Friday, I went straight to the bank and deposited roughly 20% of what I got. It felt REALLY good that it finally came to life. I’ve been wanting so bad to start this up but I was procrastinating big time. However, I’m optimistic this would work out. I can feel it.

Of course, we wanted to have at least a substantial amount of money, but that amount once accumulated should NOT be spent in a snap. We should see where our money goes and hopefully, it goes to the bank AND somewhere it could grow on a shorter period of time (compared to the bank).

Lots of things in mind tsk tsk tsk but like what I’ve said, I’m optimistic. I know and I COMMAND myself to do this.

I’m quite sleepy. I’m gonna do this

xoxo

Bry Dee

TIRING BUT HAPPY BUT STRESSFUL BUT STILL I DON’T KNOW

le 8 juin 2008

22:36 / Marikina, Philippines

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I’m so tired. Not emotionally, duh. Just came home from the most uneventful and boring and fucked up outing ever. The Thomson Reuters’ summer outing is shitty. Real shitty. The only part I enjoyed was when I entered my hotel room and immediately hit the showers to rub off the grime and dirt accumulated in every part of my body because of that Grande Island(?) whatever we have had earlier.

In short. Outing sucks.

Hate the food. Hate the people. Hate the shit. lolz But I loved being with YL and Faye and Annie and Francis. Laugh trip is all you need during a shitty trip.

Anyway, I would not come off writing just about shitty stuff. lolz Dunno. My mind is still a bit unorganized.

Oh wait. I don’t know if this would be the last in my litany of shitty stuff, as it’s a bit uncategorized and I’m still dumbfounded by this errrr… dunno what to call it. Few minutes back, I got this message from my ex:

“ei muzta n bry, npanuod q ulit vid gnwa mu 4 me..” (trans. = hey! what’s up bry? I just watched again that video you made for me)

Hey, don’t raise your eyebrow on me. That is the way my ex writes his text messages. It has nothing to do with me. Anyway, that video he’s referring to is the video I made for him during our first monthsary; complete with voice-over, montage, music mix (of songs that were important to us… or more appropriately very important to me, dunno) and multitude of pictures from past until at-that-time-present events. I called that video love-made (yes it was), and I surprised him together with a (framed) vectorized version of his picture.

To be honest (while typing this), I feel a ’slight’ tingle reminiscing those events. Am I hurt? On the verge of tears? Maybe yes, maybe no. I don’t completely know. I just can’t help think about what EXACTLY he’s thinking right now upon watching that video again, that video spoke/speaks (I DON’T KNOW WHAT TENSE-SHIT SHOULD I BE USING OKAY?!) of my feelings, really truthful and straight from the fucking heart. And WHY should he be informing me this? I should not be over-analyzing right? No, sorry if I can’t be helped that I’m not dimwitted.

What the hell do you want my-ex? It hurt(s) me a lot, thanks to the fact that you lied to me about shit. The dishonesty and losing the balls pissed me off. That is so un-”masculine”. I may be this gay but at least I stand up to my words. I don’t know but I can’t honestly say stop bothering me. A part of me is still waiting for that happy-ray-of-sunshine for things to be better BUT my insides cringe upon the prospect of another depressive episode. That is so uncool.

I don’t know, but all I know is that I’m a BETTER person now. I’ve had my share of dramatic episodes as well and I hope that this coming 14th and 15th would be a Will-thoughts-free-day for me. I look forward to the day that I’m gonna be tear-free and I can visit Trinoma again after SEVERAL months and see the mall without any Will-related thoughts because that place reeks Will-related memories in every corner!!! And also when would be the time that I could listen to songs that I used to love, and attached every melody to you, and after the break-up, erased them from my iPod and laptop because they were fucking uncool and tear-jerking.

Last night, when I was alone in my room in Legenda Hotel, Subic, I suddenly thought of what-if shit. I know that I miss him but it’s not really worth the pain. I also dread/despise/fear,loathe the beach because it reminds me of that time last November 2007 when I spent a couple of days in Zambales and the island of Anawangin with my pep friends AND WE WERE STILL A HAPPY COUPLE. I also cringe at the memory of writing your name in the sand at taking pictures to show him. Ugggh!!! And yeah, my friends requesting the band playing in a Riverpark bar to play THAT song you dearly love so I can take a video and show it to you. THOSE WERE really painful things, and traumatic and unforgiving.

I just don’t like it when memories and hopes of us getting back together again would flood my mind BECAUSE I’m 100% sure that would (see? I still refuse to use the ‘future’ conjugation of that auxiliary verb which is equal to your name?) NEVER happen. I don’t want to be dramatic or the official “emblem” of the hopeless romantic but it’d be much better if ideas like that won’t be entertained. Please, stop telling me THESE things as they are not doing anything good. And talk to me if ever you have news that you think I would love to hear. But as of the moment, DECIDE.

Looking back, it sucks that I was very forgiving and lovable and trustworthy and whatever BUT I still don’t regret being like that. Dunno. Maybe because it really showed that I’m not so bad after all. But to be honest, I ‘might’ be back to my old self now. You know, the ketchup-tossing, fish-sauce-spilling, jeepney-seat-wrecking etc bitch who won’t get down without a fight. Yep, LE BRY.

I hope I still have control. I hope. But I’ve been fighting and struggling and slowly winning over this shitty feeling and there’ll be no turning back.

I am a fighter. I ain’t gonna stop. There is no turning back. I’ve had enough.

I don’t believe in lovers being friends after a relationship. Who’d be this fucking bastard/bitch who wants to hear the next sore person your ex is sleeping with? Count me out. Just the thought of it makes me sick and is unbearable so let’s just cut all the lines of communication. Okay, I agreed at first with this arrangement you would love to have BUT it definitely won’t work EVER.

In time when I’m fully reformed physically and, yeah, emotionally, I’d be back to be part again of the lives of all the people I chose to take the time off. It pains me whatever they might be thinking about/against me and my downfall is a guy from another squad. I should have listened to my dear friend Pio. But let’s not cry over spilled milk. I’ll be back. Not now. But it won’t be long enough.

And to my dear ex Will. Make up your mind, s’il te plait?

This is so not fierce.

Tomorrow, June 9, is a public holiday but I’d be working because I don’t want to miss out on my workout (should the holiday fall in a Tuesday or Wednesday, chances are I’m not working overtime lolz). Or maybe, working OT means additional pay during payday and I really need to save up. Investing in something worthwhile is my goal and my nephew is starting out in school next Monday.

xoxo

Bry Dee

PEP-PY DAY, JEEZ!

le 27 mai 2008

16:25 / Makati, Philippines

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So far the day isn’t fucked up at all, except for the fact that my hanky literally flew from my hands to the railway in LRT2 Katipunan because I was frantically fanning my face (imagine the faces of the people around me who saw what happened, priceless hahaha I just give them a metallic snigger) and I’m running out of resources and payday is still a day away (I was forced to get 500 pesos from my savings, and it broke my heart because I promised not to touch it!).

But then again, as promised, I’m going to save up AFTER I get my wallet. Yehey! I’m gonna get a wallet, but not one but two! Okay, the first is a vintage monogram European checkbook and card holder (date code is 884AN - made in France April 1988, how cool is that?! I was just 3 years old at that time! It must have patina-ed like hell!) and the other one is a red Goyard pouch perfect for coins and/or my cellphone. I’m already sure that I’m gonna get the LV but still doubtful for the Goyard.

This is really the last time I’m gonna buy such things. PROMISE! I really, really promise (heard that Bryan Damasco? A promise is a promise! hahaha)

Anyway, I woke up quite earlier today because of all the hammering and tattering in our house. I went online and got an IM from Pio. He was the captain of our squad last year (and last year we got the crown back, Yay!) and a very close straight friend of mine. Since I dissociated myself from pep, he’s one of the few people to whome I’ve told this plan with. I was touched when he said earlier: “Musta ka na? Miss na miss na kita SOBRA!” (How are you? I really miss you a lot!) That is one of the coolest things I heard (or read) today. Though I’m not really keen to hear news about the squad et al, I can’t help but listen to his stories.

He asked me if I miss pep, I replied “I miss UP Pep Squad a lot!” which was an understatement, I miss pep so much that I’m aching inside hahaha I love pep, no doubt about it, but few more weeks/months/whatever, I’ll be back.

Then while we were talking, I received a text message from Coach Lala (she usually send messages to alumni as well if there are important things/events that might/would interest us hahaha). It was about rehearsals for the UAAP Opening (which, I assume, would be this July) as UP is the host this year. Jeez, I WOULD HAVE LOVED to be a part of this one, but rehearsals would be every night, and I work until 12am. Fat chance. Hahaha

But the thing is I still don’t know if I’ll be watching the opening. I just hope I’d be ready by that time.

And some members would be flying to JAPAN this Thursday!!! NOW I’M ENVIOUS!!! Wahahaha I still wish all the best for them as they totally rock, no doubt about it. Love them to pieces.

Anyway, I know everything would be fine. I can feel it. It might be gradual but I’m sure when that time comes, I’ll feel merveilleux. J’en suis sûr!

I already started saving, I finally got my bank account back (I just gave the money to Mama so that I’d no longer be going to the bank and no more ATMs).

xoxo

Bry Dee

UH-OH… THE SHITTY 15TH AGAIN

le 15 mai 2008

01:11 / Marikina, Philippines

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Okay, I barely noticed when the clock struck twelve then poof!, it’s already the 15th.

15. The shitty number, devil’s number. Whoever said 13 is the unlucky one must be kidding me big time.

On my way home, I was thinking a lot. Yep, more than the usual thinking. I played songs in my head. Then I tried remembering numbers. Then I try not to remember them. This is weird, really weird even for me. Then I tried concentrating in Con Te Partiro:

Con te partiro, paesi che non ho mai

Venuto, vissuto con te, adesso si li vivro

I love Italian shit. It gives me this certain feeling of aristocracy. At least I won’t have to deal with common people with mediocre cerebral capacity and totally impaired in terms of language. Or am I just trying to justify things, how better off I am today?

Clearly, that is out of question, still look at me blabbing about what-not’s when in fact, I really want to throw china to the wall. No idea why. I just feel kind of raged.

Then I heard this song again:

All good things

I wish you

All good things

Come to an end

All good things

And I wish you well

No. The hell to this song. Yes, I’ve used the same song in my multiply blog to commemorate a certain event in my life. I had thought it was pivotal but it was just the tip of the iceberg. I could have let pass that first incident because the person in question has neurons, but for the second time, uh-uh, I allowed a total twerp. I’m not being bitter. I mean, I have given that person the biggest benefit of the doubt. But for what it’s worth?

Now look at me, still dissociated with my beloved world. And the fact that my toned is still like this indicates that it’s not YET time. Few more weeks. Or months. Or years.

I just can’t understand why am I always on the losing end? Am I physically challenged? Or let me answer that. I AM PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED. Add emotionally to that. I’ve got lots of fucking issues about myself to deal with. And unless I’m able to FULLY tackle all of them, I might be stuck here forever.

I’m not back in square one. Believe me. And it was very much attributed to my dissociation. Ignorance is bliss. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or… just ignorance is bliss, I like it more that way.

Now, I’m thinking if I should cry. Should I? Then behold the images of me being laughed at by people because I looked like a fool in front of the world, no. I AM just what’s left of me. Take it away from myself and no shitty person would give a fuck. I’m better off this way.

Like what I said weeks ago, the moment it started, it was bound to end. Same with ANYTHING that might happen to me in the future, or with any person, it would eventually fall apart.

I just hope I’m filthy rich than I can do whatever I want with my money. I can go on a shopping spree and buy whatever luxury stuff I can. BUT I’M NOT. Maybe that is one reason I might not be the best. He’s just being practical. What he’s gonna do with me? People like them seek status more than anything else, can’t blame them for they are challenged in whatever shitty aspect I could think of. Should I settle with that? Of course not, call it elitism but my pants would no longer drop for substandard people. What the hell is happening to me? Don’t really know. But I’ve noticed that from your lot, you people always remember when you need something. Call it modernd-day, bipedal-hominid parasitism.

Do I wish you well? I’m not totally sure. You know why? Because I was very open and honest about the shitty thing called my life but look what I got in return. I deserve better. I’m so sorry for the harsh things I’ve written here. Still…

… it can’t change the fact that I still love you.

But drift away, go far or even die. I don’t know if I’d care. I’ll never know until it’ll happen. So it means I don’t wish you well. Now, what should I do. Put things back to tabula rasa. Rewind things until October 6, after I bought this laptop and my cellphone, I shouldn’t have gone to that party and not have you coming up to me and did a small talk. Regrets? No idea. All I know is that I don’t fucking deserve this.

I need another Louis.

xoxo

Bry Dee

UHMMM… WHATEVER

le 4 mai 2008

15:20 / Marikina, Philippines

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Before I turn this laptop off, I tried googling my name with ” “. To my surprise, these were the results:

First of all, I don’t know if I should be happy or who-knows-what with what I just saw, but definitely I’m not close to tears.
Second, let me set the record straight. You have this slight confusion with your Tagalog possessives. Yep, thanks to me and my effing patience, but it is NOT your print ad. Take yourself back to the time that this one is on the rough and honestly assess whatever it is that you did to contribute. If you want to give proper credit, tell it to your prof.
Third, super defense??? I remember you not being to enthusiastic defending this shit I made and you even herald you regret not winning the grand prize? Very likely. A real super defense should compliment the impeccable work I did. So do the math why it got just the second best.
Lastly, I don’t hate you still but at least try to be more careful.

What the fuck I’m talking about. Just blabbing before I sleep.

And I forgot to blog about how I bitch slapped my social climbing office mate. I fucking hate her like hell. I’ve tried to subdue my dark side for the past months, but thanks to you. The bitch is back.

xoxo

Bry Dee

HAPPY! SHA-LALA-LA!!!

le 3 mai 2008

11:44 / Marikina, Philippines

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We went swimming earlier today!!!

It was very nice seeing my classmates again! And the best part of all is we’re all done with college! Goodbye our beloved UP!!! It was nice learning those languages with you!!!

I went to Club Manila East (is this right?) with Shiela, Khael, Love, Kath and Kara and I was laughing almost the whole day! Though there were moments that they would naturally torment me with questions regarding my recent past but I’m proud to say that I did not even got lonely. Yep, maybe this is a good sign. I’m too happy being with these girls than think of whatever things that can lead me to despair! Hahaha

I don’t have lots of pictures with me because I did not bother, so I guess I’ll be “borrowing” some from my friends in my next posts! Hahaha

I’m so proud of myself as I was able to evade the scorching sun and kudos the the clouds as it rained around 4pm! Yay!

We had dinner in Shakey’s in Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall and I was very hungry!!! (Or we were all hungry!!!) We finished everything served to us as we were dead famished but nevertheless, I had fun sharing stories again with them over dinner.

Thank you so much girls for the day!

Anyway, I was finally able to take a picture of the vintage coated canvas Gucci clutch I inherited from Mama (I found out it was a Gucci plus clutch bag):

(Note: the image has been flipped horizontally)

What a long day!

xoxo
Bry Dee

ROMANTICIZED ENDING

le 1 mai 2008

11:35 / Marikina, Philippines

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Just saw that movie One More Chance in my laptop. I got the copy in one of the share drives in the office (I took several movies) and finally found time to watch it.

I’m thinking that maybe I’ll have my chance few months for now, but that is wishful thinking. The two of them shared something good, and they both love each other. As for me, I can infer that it was just me who felt that way, as apparently, that person was just there for the ride. I don’t really know the real reason why he wanted the two of us to be together.

But I’m getting used to this… or I don’t know. I just hate lots of scenes in the movie. It reminded me of the times that I’ve shared with this person. It feels ridiculous reliving those moments (until now). Should I be singing Mandy Moore’s All Good Things again? Should I always be in the losing end?

I really hate this feeling, but I know that things are far more better than before. Now, I can freely discuss the shit that happened to me before without being close to tears; but I still don’t want to constantly feel the pangs of longing. This shut must go. I still love you but I don’t want anyone to hurt me again. And in doing so, I’m not letting anyone near my life again, though several might have attempted to do such. I don’t know why I’ve shunned them, maybe because I’m trying to build this silk cocoon to evade distraction during this phase or I’m trying to make way for whatever butterfly coming back to my life.

Still, I’m happy that things are still going my way I have the best family who never got tired of supporting and reminding me how wonderful I am. I’m so lucky that I was accepted of what I really am and what I love to do. This is a jewel encrusted in my treasure chest that nobody can take away.

Still, I miss and love you. But you and me is very impossible. I’ll just wait for this feeling to go as I don’t want to feel this way again because, believe me, this is the worst feeling in the world.

xoxo

Bry Dee

FUCKED UP

le 22 avril 2008

12:55 / Marikina, Philippines

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I don’t know but I’m feeling quite uneasy lately. I just hate it when you’re having the time of your life and in a snap you’re back in Marianas.

When would this stop?

A couple of hours ago, when I was so busy working, I literally jumped out of my seat when I saw him send that notorious message “Zup?”. I can’t count how many times I have seen this message from him. I mean, come one, for the record, that was the first ever things that he sent to me using his cellphone. Please stop it. I’m trying to fix a new life WITHOUT you, because apparently, you can see yourself with me, right?

There goes your space and time and whatever fuck-offs you may wanted to have. Why are you like that? Maybe no one’s feeding your fat ego now, and you know that this sucker is just suckingly waiting for you to come along again. Fuck off! I love you still, I know but fuck off!!!

I built my world around you, but obviously, you did not feel the same way. I tried to understand you, just give in to your every whim. I lost myself, but I did not care. Have you heard anything from me? Not even a single thing. Look at me, screaming my ass out in this fucking blog, hoping that someday you might read this.

But hey, that is wishful thinking again as you’re so thick to string two words together. I don’t hate you!!! I just hated myself why I turned out to be this forgiving and loving person. I can always be the bitch everybody knows!!! But then YOU happened!!! How dare you steal everything away from me! How dare you!!!

Look, three months have passed, but I’m still in this state. Kudos to me I can think clearly now, but I just can’t understand why I’m still fucked up!!!

I deserve someone better. Yes, but then again, what if that better person does not deserve me??? What if this new guy is more than what I am?!?! Hey I’m just FUCKED-UP BRY!!!

What chance do I stand to a perfectly handsome guy, well accepted (as well) by his family and is… let’s see… AN HEIR TO A CHAIN OF RESTOS IN SOUTHEAST ASIA???

Come on. Even before this thing progresses, it HAS to stop. I’ve had enough of sweet talking, planning things because I know eventually, people like YOU are going to leave me.

I’m doomed!!! I should look at myself and the mirror and see how hideous and fucked up and shitty I am.

I just don’t want to be hurt again, not by you, not by this new person, not by anyone else…

I just want to be with myself again…

Please let me…

xoxo

Bry Dee

Take me…

le 18 avril 2008

03:32 / Marikina, Philippines

———-

I feel empty again. Few minutes ago I felt like nothing can touch me, and nothing can defeat me. But look at me now, moments before Mr. Sandman would fetch me, I’m wanting death to take me now.

What the hell is wrong with me.

I hate this. I hate myself.

I want to disappear, I mean, I already disappeared. They don’t know what the hell is happening to me now. They have not the slightest idea of my activities.

Take me.

I want to be blown away to a far away land and my memories would be tabula rasa. I don’t want to have any recollection of the shit that happened to me.

I’m right in saying that the moment it started, it was already meant to end.

I AM NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY THAT WAY.

Just let them fall. And then I die.

Take me.

xoxo

Bry Dee