FRESH START… MY ASS

I regret going to the university grad earlier, that was the worst thing I did for the past months!!!

I should have trusted my instincts that I’m better off staying at home, than hear, and see, and talk to the people I don’t want to associate myself with…

I’m better off dead. Really. Just kill me.

I want to die.

My life is fucked up.

I’m fucked up.

And this world can survive without me.

I’m just a waste.

FUCKED UP

le 22 avril 2008

12:55 / Marikina, Philippines

———-

I don’t know but I’m feeling quite uneasy lately. I just hate it when you’re having the time of your life and in a snap you’re back in Marianas.

When would this stop?

A couple of hours ago, when I was so busy working, I literally jumped out of my seat when I saw him send that notorious message “Zup?”. I can’t count how many times I have seen this message from him. I mean, come one, for the record, that was the first ever things that he sent to me using his cellphone. Please stop it. I’m trying to fix a new life WITHOUT you, because apparently, you can see yourself with me, right?

There goes your space and time and whatever fuck-offs you may wanted to have. Why are you like that? Maybe no one’s feeding your fat ego now, and you know that this sucker is just suckingly waiting for you to come along again. Fuck off! I love you still, I know but fuck off!!!

I built my world around you, but obviously, you did not feel the same way. I tried to understand you, just give in to your every whim. I lost myself, but I did not care. Have you heard anything from me? Not even a single thing. Look at me, screaming my ass out in this fucking blog, hoping that someday you might read this.

But hey, that is wishful thinking again as you’re so thick to string two words together. I don’t hate you!!! I just hated myself why I turned out to be this forgiving and loving person. I can always be the bitch everybody knows!!! But then YOU happened!!! How dare you steal everything away from me! How dare you!!!

Look, three months have passed, but I’m still in this state. Kudos to me I can think clearly now, but I just can’t understand why I’m still fucked up!!!

I deserve someone better. Yes, but then again, what if that better person does not deserve me??? What if this new guy is more than what I am?!?! Hey I’m just FUCKED-UP BRY!!!

What chance do I stand to a perfectly handsome guy, well accepted (as well) by his family and is… let’s see… AN HEIR TO A CHAIN OF RESTOS IN SOUTHEAST ASIA???

Come on. Even before this thing progresses, it HAS to stop. I’ve had enough of sweet talking, planning things because I know eventually, people like YOU are going to leave me.

I’m doomed!!! I should look at myself and the mirror and see how hideous and fucked up and shitty I am.

I just don’t want to be hurt again, not by you, not by this new person, not by anyone else…

I just want to be with myself again…

Please let me…

xoxo

Bry Dee

Wayfarers love!!!

le 19 avril 2008

22:24 / Marikina, Philippines

———-

I woke up quite late because it’s Saturday! And it was all because I slept late (I prompted myself to sleep since the sun was about to rise and I’m a vampire). As expected, it was a very hot day, but I woke up with plans to carry on. I needed to buy a gift for my niece Jazel, who would have her Sweet Sixteen party tomorrow and sorta formal clothes for my nephew JB, for him to wear on that party.

I would be one of the people to give 16 treasures tomorrow, I thought of giving her (as expected) a bag!!!

I thought of giving her the Vivienne Westwood bag I saw last week in a store. But as it was very hot and sun was blazing like madman, I called the idea off (and besides, I’m running out of resources since I’ve bought and spent a lot recently). Instead, I saw this bag and thought immediately how perfect and beautiful it is:

Okay. First of all, this is NOT a designer handbag. It is what I normally call an unbranded but excellent bag (excellent because it looks nice AND is very functional).

To be honest, I’m now contemplating if I should give it to my niece tomorrow because I know my sister would love it (no doubt). Mama even said that the bag is really beautiful. But I’d let Ate be the judge tomorrow. It would be completely up to her if the bag would leave the Damasco residence or not.

Meanwhile, I searched far and long (exaggerated) for the clothes my nephew would be wearing tomorrow. Finally, Riverbanks seemed to be the perfect place. Finito avec the buying of the clothes (I bought really cool pieces! But I couldn’t fit them to my nephew as he was sleeping when I got home).

And I was just strolling around, I saw THE SHADES:

It was a redesigned wayfarer from Ray Ban in Sarabia Optical. I immediately asked the sales assistant for the sunglasses. I felt like a million wearing them. THIS IS WHAT I REALLY WANT. THIS IS MY HOLY GRAIL. Even before asking how much it was, I’m expecting that it would be costly; and so I braced myself. Php 7,999.00!!!

Wow. Wow. But nevertheless, I would still want to have one. I’m going to buy this wayfarer.

Meanwhile, I continued strolling and my mind was still on that wayfarer. When I turned the corner, I saw a group of girls flocking on a sunglasses kiosk and drooling over these diva shades (that’s the term I use for over sized sunglasses à la Nicole Richie). I was a fan of these shades before, but the whole of Metro Manila is now sporting them. I actually stopped wearing my aviators because I quite look like the others.

Not being snob or anything (as if I’m filthy rich?!), but I just chose to stop sporting them. I know aviators are classic, but wait, there’s another classic out there: wayfarers!!! I already have one in black and it’s just the right size. I no longer look bangaw.

Going back, I know what I was looking for in that kiosk; then I saw it:

Red wayfarers rock!!! I mean wayfarers had their share of highs and lows (fashion wise) but nevertheless, they are here to stay. The design stems back from 1952, and (like aviators) the target market were originally men (to be exact, pilots). However, women had seen how chic wayfarers are and since then used them. These sunglasses allegedly reached its iconic status when Audrey Hepburn wore a pair in the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s:

I love wayfarers! This is something I know would be staple in my existence. But for now, I only have two pairs:

…and definitely, I’ll be purchasing more soon. Next project would be the matte black, tortoise and white
wayfarers:

How I wish today is 28th of April!!!

Meanwhile this is me with my new pair:

xoxo

Bry Dee

Take me…

le 18 avril 2008

03:32 / Marikina, Philippines

———-

I feel empty again. Few minutes ago I felt like nothing can touch me, and nothing can defeat me. But look at me now, moments before Mr. Sandman would fetch me, I’m wanting death to take me now.

What the hell is wrong with me.

I hate this. I hate myself.

I want to disappear, I mean, I already disappeared. They don’t know what the hell is happening to me now. They have not the slightest idea of my activities.

Take me.

I want to be blown away to a far away land and my memories would be tabula rasa. I don’t want to have any recollection of the shit that happened to me.

I’m right in saying that the moment it started, it was already meant to end.

I AM NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY THAT WAY.

Just let them fall. And then I die.

Take me.

xoxo

Bry Dee

I hate business attire!!!

le 18 avril 2008

02:31 / Marikina, Philippines

———-

For this week, we had no choice but to wear strictly “business” because of this merger (but to be more correct, it’s an acquisition) between Thomson and Reuters (equals THOMSON REUTERS!!!) To cut the crap, it was one hell of a week! I’m not really used to wearing these sort of clothes and the best solution is: preppy!!!

This week was full of argyle sweaters, collared shirts, vests, ties ( I can now tie a Windsor and a half Windsor), dress pants, leather shoes and sweat. Hahaha Anyway, I had fun, really, though it was always a brain-racking experience each evening as I had to think of shit to wear the following day. Lolz

To cap this whole week (or almost a week, as Friday, we’re already allowed to wear jeans), the Day One of that Thomson Reuters was held few hours back in NBC Tent. Too lazy to tell what the hell happened but it was really a nice night. We were full up to the brim. ANd I didn’t care much ’bout the others.

Anyway, here is how I looked like a while ago:

Tangnang yan. Look at that. Hahaha Bwahahaha And the bag! Just to say that I was carrying Gucci even if it was screaming “I’M FOR GIRLS!!!”. And look at my face, I looked skeletal. But my body isn’t thin at all? I’m getting muscler and muscler each day!!! (Hello. Gym) Eitherway, I really had fun today, Thomson Reuters kicks Bloomberg ass. Hahaha I feel like I’m a billion bucks right now!!!

By the way, I’m watching closely to this new bag I saw somewhere… another Gucci but this time I can definitely use it. Just bidding my time until it was time to pounce. Hahaha

FUCK OFF WORLD!!!

xoxo

Bry Dee

The shitty day that was 15

le 16 avril 2008

02:31 / Marikina, Philippines

———-
Okay, the day wasn’t that shitty at all, but since it was 15, it’s shitty!!!

I don’t have much to say, and I feel like screaming and breaking plates and ribs!!!

And I don’t have any idea why. Why is this life so fucking shitty??? And why all of a sudden I’m feeling shitty??? It was quite a normal day for me and look at me now, I’m supposed to be blogging what happened to me today. But in a snap, I am already ranting!

I want to punch someone, I want to scream in front of the Quezon Hall again (like what Ikle and I did last Valentines). I want to break windshields and throw stones to our neighbors’ windows.

Hay… FUCKING LIFE!!!

Oh well, I used my Gaultier to work a while ago. At least, that’s something to celebrate!!!

BAGS BAGS BAGS!!!

COME TO ME!!!

Losers go home!!! BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!

xoxo

Bry Dee

Okay, Lazy hands!!!

le 15 avril 2008

16:55 / Makati, Philippines

———-

Normally, I would write entries after midnight or right before I sleep. But last night, it was different. I admit. I got so addicted taking pictures des nouveaux sacs que je viens juste d’acquérir!!!

Here they are:

… the Jean Paul Gaultier!!! (Yes, I bought it… no matter what)

a Bally messenger bag!!!

Finally, something that I could use!!! It’s much more difficult to look for bags like these because handbags and purses are more prevalent. I really, really, really love the hardware they used in Bally:

 

It looks quite beaten down (I have to stuff scarves inside so as to make it retain its shape) but nevertheless I love it! But since I have to go to the gym today (as yesterday, I wasn’t able to workout… first bead in a string full of unfortunate events hier!!!), I used the Gaultier. The chain makes it look a little gay, but it’s androgynous (according to my colorblind eyes).

And then, as I’ve mentioned earlier. This chain of unfortunate events:

1) April 14 is Monday. I work out every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Since I was on leave last Friday, it left me with a 3-day vacation (just in time for my birthday.. meaning I didn’t work out last Friday). But when I woke up, Mama left and I was left with Kuya (who was sleeping) and my nephew JB. I was rushing (as usual) to fix myself and get ready with my work out clothes in the bag. Then all of a sudden. My nephew cam up to me and said that he’s hungry. So there, I’ve got no choice but stay as I can’t just let him fix his own food or mama would come home with a messy kitchen. NO WORKOUT FOR 5 DAYS!!!

2) I was busy scurrying as there was this shitty rain and I have to look the gate. Holding a pink umbrella (yes… so gay, as I remembered Mama asking me that she’d use my maroon umbrella when I was still in trance mode in my bed), I was trying to lock the gate while the skies above were swarmed by big nimbus clouds. Then I was walking fast to get to the trike terminal and stuffing stuff (ID, keys, cellphone, iPod) into my bag. Then, when I was already inside the trike, somebody texted me and I noticed that my stylus was gone! Wow! I don’t have any stylus left!!! (I lost the first one in an escalator connecting SM and Glorietta. Imagine the scene I made as I poked to save that stylus). Now, I only use my fingers and just imagine how tasking it was to check the check boxes.

3) I went to BPI - Concepcion to withdraw money. There were two ATMs. Before I even came up to the machines, I overheard a couple complaining that the ATMs are malfunctioning. I still bothered to use them since I needed the sum. I used one machine, waited for 1500, then transaction cancelled. Okay, next machine. Ditto. Then, I tried again the previous machine. Nada. Then I went to the guard outside told him the shit that was happening. Then he said to me to try again (with him overlooking my transaction), then Voilà! There was my 1500. But wait, along came out the transaction slip and POOF! 3000 was debited from my account! This is a disaster since I already told myself I have to be a miser for the days to come since I have spent quite a sum (no.. make it a lot!) buying stuff, and those BAGS in particular. Bye bye 1500!!! … on second thought, why would I allow that? I came inside the bank and rant my innings out. Tomorrow, I’ll know if they returned my money in the account.

4) I rode an FX going to LRT2 - Katipunan. The fare IS just 15. But wait, this moron-of-a-driver refused to give me the exact change. He owed me 5 pesos. Okay, for some it’s just 5 pesos but I strongly believe that we shoud all honestly earn what is due to us. I work hard for every single peso in my payroll account and I won’t allow abusive drivers like him. So, it started with just a polite request, then all of a sudden he started ranting. Oh my. I was trying to compose myself and tell him politely but authoritatively what he was lacking. It was a great case of self-control, and knowing how I “would have” normally behaved, he’s off to Hades. But my eyes suddenly dimmed and blurted out “Huwag nga kayong madugas Manong!“…and I was told to get off the FX. Nice. Very, very, very nice!

5) On the shuttle going home, there was this dispute between the drivers and the passengers because one FAILED to pay the fare. I already gave my 100 pesos and expecting for my change. Then when we were at Masinag. The driver literally stopped before the intersection and halted everyone just to figure out why is he lacking 50 pesos (I just found out that very instant that the fare is no longer 45 and is already 50… great). You see there was this small group of middle-aged people in the shuttle and they were talking like it’s just 12:00 noon. They were the one manning this soul-search, and they were pretty annoying. Turned out, the most talkative one thought that his friend payed for him as the ywere claiming earlier that they have paid the full amount. Twerp. That’s the reason why we have this saying “Maraming namamatay sa maling akala”. You SHOULD have asked first, moron, and not assume immediately. And with that, it costed me 20 minutes of my resting time. TANGA!

Hay… it was a shitty day. Then I recalled. Monday. April 14. It was raining. It was Monday when we broke up 3-months ago, and yes, it was January 14. Heaven wasn’t raining but it was me pouring my soul out as tears leaked my eyes. I recall this song of The Carpenters “Rainy Days and Mondays“. But in all fairness to me, I wasn’ t melodramatic. I was just thinking that we were together for three months, and it has been three months since he left me.

Ikle once sent me (a forwarded message from Sir Mel) a message quoting Paolo Coelho, something like loving is short and forgetting is forever. This is what I’m exactly feeling. But I’m more sober now. Maybe la raison pour laquelle I’m very fixated with designer bags lately is because I feel a certain boost in confidence and flatter myself on how keen my eyes were when it comes to these things. Yep, it was quite costly what I’m hunting for, but it really makes me sober.

At this point, I’m in no position to love another person. I just want somebody to talk to because being quiet makes me melodramatic and quite abusive of myself. I no longer want to physically hurt myself. I no longer want to be insecure. This shitty fluctuation of emotions is unnerving. I just want this phase to be over with.

On a lighter note, yesterday, I was able to knot a tie for the first time!!! It was because we are obliged to look formal and business-like for one whole week because of this merger between our company and Reuters. I refuse to wear the typical business whatever other guys are heralding of, so preppy is just my thing (and I love preppy). I was wearing this light-colored argyle sweats and a snobby-private-school-like tie.  This is my first half-Windsor attempt:

And we (Faye and I) celebrated our birthday in Yellow Cab with Jaime and YL:

But wait! When I was in MRT yesterday, I saw this very goodlooking bagage:

… and thanks to the zoom of my cellphone:

… It’s Pierre Cardin!!!

Lastly, when I just got off from LRT2 in Gateway, I saw an old couple pulling their LV luggage… it was very nice (the luggage, not the couple) and I was green with envy.

Okay. What I have shitty wrote is quite a lot.

xoxo

Bry Dee

FIERCE PURCHASES!!!

le 14 avril 2008

00:26 / Marikina, Philippines

———-

Oh my!!! Who would have thought that I’ll be able to buy 2 authentic Gucci bags in one day!!!

Here are my new babies:

and

It was quite a happy day for me!!! I’m really, really, REALLY been reading and searching a lot about authenticating designer handbags over the net and I think I’ve learned enough to go to field work.

Yes, I was able to buy Kenneth Cole Reaction, Nine West and Nina Ricci before but, of course, some sort of prestige is affixed to THE brands.

This is quite a lucky day for us. Right Ikle?

I saw this Jean Paul Gaultier drawstring bag earlier (it got chains.. who cares), and finally, something “androgynous” (as most of the things I’ve searched and bought benefit directly my sister as I never used handbags and stuff like that… I just love the thrill of looking and finding THE bags):

I still haven’t bought the bag because I wanted to authenticate it first over the ladies of TPF (though I think JPGs are not that prone to being replicated and knockoffed, better be safe than sorry… money is still money).

(Fingers crossed… I IMPLORE THAT IT SHOULD STILL BE THERE!!!)

But still, the holy grail for me is to find an authentic LV out there. I mean, yes, there are “LVs” in the stacks but using basic knowledge I’ve acquired from the TPF ladies on how to spot the fakes from the real ones, I was able to determine that, so far, what I’ve seen are knockoffs. And imagine, I was beginning to think that the ones selling them don’t have any idea that what they are selling are designer stuff, but LO AND BEHOLD, those LV knockoffs COST A LOT than you’re average bags in the stacks. Maybe they think that all LVs coming to them are authentic. Oh well. To each his own.

xoxo
Bry Dee

Did I celebrate at all?

le 13 avril 2008

01:31 / Marikina, Philippines

———-

This is a very long day. After I posted that first post last night, I had this episode again… I just broke down in front of the laptop and cried like crazy… It was very difficult, feeling unloved. I rushed to my room and even hurt myself… and contemplated a lot about death. It happens loads of times (the death-thinking). I even wished that I won’t wake up after I cried myself to sleep.

I question(ed) a lot why these things are happening to me. It’s totally unfair. Here I am trying to turn over a new leaf, giving people the benefit of the doubt, seeing past through them being twerps but still, I end up on the losing end.

Maybe something is really wrong with me. Just as I thought that everything would be okay, I look at things and see that I haven’t moved a bit, even a freaking budge… rien.

I woke up quite okay, put a smile on my face because this is supposed to be my day. I received lots of text messages from friends and people who remembered this day. Bless all of you guys. But still, I’m still hoping that Would would remember. I kept on speculating that this shitty day is gonna be okay the moment Would show the slightest inkling that “Hey! It’s the 12th of April! That shitty person’s 23rd birthday is today!“

But in my dreams.

I tried to make sense of the world. I went to St. Claire a while ago as this was my abode during those first shitty days, I even tried calling to all of the saints to spare me from that(or this) despair but in vain.

This is real shitty. Shitty like hell.

I went to UP and met my friends. Ikle, Gina and Iole. Ikle and I share a lot of things (I need not elaborate on this). He knows me very well and understands me to the littlest bit. I even started an argument with him… I sent him hurtful messages and was arson-like… but afterwards, I realized what I’ve done is real shitty. And he understood me. Gina has been one of my closest friend around. She helped me in my Italian when I was still in UP. She has been helping and listening to my shit and I’m glad she’s got the best ears around. Lastly, Iole is the most interesting person in this entry. A year ago, around the last week of March, we had started quite a scene in Galleria 1, FC. It was all because of this Viaggio di Studio exhibit for Italiano 31. And guess what, we screamed at each other in public and I was ready to punch her straight in the face but good thing, she scurried away. Interestingly, a year after, I have already forgotten the shit that happened between us and, again, a week ago, we met again and showed her all is forgotten. We haven’t talked about it until now but it’s enough to hear from Ikle that Iole wants to be okay with me. It’s fine with me.

I’ve asked these three to come to our house and celebrate my birthday (because when I left home few hours earlier, Mama was cooking stuff for me… but I left). We had a very great time here. The two girls were singing a lot (thanks to Magic Sing) while Ikle and I were busy planning de notre aventure demain. Until the inevitable topic came out again and yes, that same shitty post-breakup shit.

Life sucks. It does. I wanted to be the most bitchy person again but someone’s whispering in my ear that I’m better off this way.

I just hope that this shit WOULD be over. I’ve had enough. I freakin’ deserve to be happy.

I don’t know why I have to give 80% of the most important people in my life because of one person. It still boggles me a lot. Imagine, I haven’t replied to anyone in that group or just anyone who would remind me of what I loved doing before. This brought me close to him, and anyone who has the capacity to remind of him… has to be given up.

I don’t know for how long. I know for sure that a new person is not an answer. I can assure you that.

Just want this shit to be over. Please… I really want to be genuinely happy. I just don’t know how.

But looking back, things have changed for the better. I can now talk about it with Ikle without a teardrop leaking in my eye. I’ve noticed that the trees are much greener now in UP… 3 months ago as I’ve poured my heart out to Mapat, leaves were falling from the acacia trees (but to be botanically correct, they are Rain Trees, Samanea saman, and not acacia). This might be a reminder that this SHIT is a process.

As of typing time, I’m relatively okay… shitty relatively okay for 2 freakin’ months.

When WOULD I be really okay?

Meanwhile, I’ll wait for the TPF girls to authenticate these Gucci and Prada for me.

I want them both.

xoxo

Bry Dee

Chapter 23rd… tout va bien, une autre chance pour la vie

le 12 avril 2008

00:00 / Marikina, Philippines

———-

I’ve been disconnected to the cyberworld for a long time and I’ve chosen to dissociate myself from the people I care about the most. I’ve so long discarded (neglected) my accounts so as to forget and turn over a new leaf. Yep. It’s quite weird, but dealing it this way is much preferable.

WELCOME TO THE NEW BRY DEE!!!

Imagine 23 years ago, my mom was already experiencing labor pains… she had no idea that that kid would soon be world legend. Just kidding.

My birthday last year, it was my second day as a member of the workforce (which reminds me, I’m now working for one year!!!) and nothing special happened that day.

I’m not expecting much today… I should not expect. This is really difficult .

Dunno, but I’m quite happy to still have the best people around, they keep me sane.

But thank God for life. It’s really hard but I won’t cave in.

Everyone should be FIERCE!!!

xoxo

Bry Dee